


Welcome to LEWD, kinky is our specialty!

by Himitsu_no



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Explicit Language, Human AU, Mostly Dialogue, No Sex, Not Beta Read, Sex Talk, but not really, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:01:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Himitsu_no/pseuds/Himitsu_no
Summary: “I’ll have the Switches, then.”“Anything else?”“Wait, yes! Please add a dash of G-Spot and sprinkle Something Thick too. I love Something Thick. They just melt on your tongue, it’s wonderful!”Crowley bites his cheeks to keep him from making undignified sounds and nods. “Sure. Caramel or Vanilla?”“Oh, never Vanilla, dear boy.”Crowley keeps nodding. “Anything else?”“No, that’s tickety-boo.”“Tickety—Tickety-boo?”Anathema waves her hand, “He’s ancient, don’t mind him.”Aziraphale huffs.“Rut, Nudes or Size Queen?”“Ummm… The bigger one.”This Crowley isn’t even sure of the meaning so he doesn’t blush, but he knows deep in his heart that he will never type it into his Google search bar, ever. “Size Queen, then. That’ll be 17,93.”“Dear girl, are you sure you’ll have the Blowjob or would you like some other suggestions? The Double Peen is life-changing!”“Can you hear yourself?”ORThat fic in which Tracy owns a very kinky ice cream parlor and Crowley is really just trying to survive a fussy customer.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 36





	Welcome to LEWD, kinky is our specialty!

Listen.

Listen, it’s not like he is a prude or anything, and _fuck_ he needs the money. He needs the money and this town is hot like a motherfucking hellhole in Summer and it’s… mildly… _acceptable_ to walk around shirtless.

He just wasn’t expecting to do it at work, in fact… he didn’t expect a lot of the rude things he says hundreds of times a day to people he’s never seen to be part of his new job, but Satan knows he needs it. And God must be having one hell of a great time laughing at his atheist arse in this crowded place.

Days at LEWD were always busy, and nobody seemed to mind being called "twats" and "cunts", greeted like they’d been close friends for years. Not that he greeted his friends like that. Or he would if he had them, but not the point.

"Oh hey, you twats are here!", he greeted the couple with the lines he'd practiced in front of the mirror all night and tried his best to swallow his embarrassment. "What can I get you fuckers today?"

“Oh my!”, said the lady, slightly taken aback.

Her friend seemed unfazed. “Do you have any Fucks today?”

“Nope, no Fucks today. Totally Fuckfree this afternoon. Can I get you anything else?”

“Um… Adultery, perhaps?”

“Sorry, we just sold the last bit. But we still have plenty of Shags, if you fancy?”

“What do you think, my dear? Do you fancy a Shag?”

“Aziraphale, what the hell are you even saying?”

“Oh! Shags are their dairy-free popsicles.”

“Oh. Okay. Um, no. I’m going with the diet options…”

“Yes, those are Fucks, and they don’t have any more Fucks today.”

“Oh. Is there… Um… regular… choco-chips or something?”

“Oh yes! That will be the Blowjob. It’s marvelous.”

“I’m sorry, what??”

“Their chocolate chips ice cream is called Blowjob. It’s remarkably creamy, melts in your mouth just like-“

“ICE CREAM, right, that’s what we came here for.”

“Quite. Is it settled for you, then?”

Anathema sighed and threw her hands in the air. Aziraphale turned back to the charming blushing server with a smile.

“Hello, my dear. Could I try the new flavor?”

“Which… which one?”

“Well, which ones are new?”

“The S—Sss--- Sugar… Rimming,” the young man with red hair sweat profusely and stammered. “And. The… the, uh… Dry H—Humps.”

“Oh, can I have a taste of your Rimjob?”

The server whimpered. “Sugar Rimming. Sure.” He picked up a tiny plastic spoon and handed it over.

“I haven’t seen you here before. Are you new?”

“Yes.”

“Craw-“, Aziraphale squinted at the tag on the black apron tried around his waist, chest bare, terribly distracting. “Crawling?”

“Crowley.”

“Crowley! What a wonderful name!”, he smiled happily and put the spoon in his mouth. An obscene moan escaped him, and Crowley’s syllables mingled in the white creamy ice in his mouth. “My dear, what a delightful flavor! Oh, have you tried this one? You must.”

Crowley stared. It was only his second day, sir, have mercy.

Is it too soon to ask to be swallowed by a hole in the ground? His unpaid bills wouldn’t bother him if he were dead.

“Now I would really like a Dry Hump, Crowley.”

“I’m sorry??”

“The new flavor. I’d like to try it.”

“Oh. Oh, yes, yes, of course. _Of course_.”, he shook his head and berated himself. He scraped the ice cream and handed him another little spoon.

Aziraphale moaned loudly again. Crowley wanted to die again. (Or still.) (Doesn’t matter.)

“My, this is truly spectacular! But I’ll go with the same as usual, I think. One Sweet Fellatio and the Japanese flavor… what’s the name again?”

“They have Wasabi flavor here?”, Anathema asked.

“No, don’t be silly, nobody would eat that. Ah! Shibari! It’s the Tie Me Up special, isn’t it? With extra cream on top?”

Crowley wanted to cry. “Top or bottom, you choose.”

“Oh, I switch a lot, really.”

“Don’t think that’s what he was asking, Aziraphale.”

They both stared at Crowley while he tried to get his shit together, eyes unfocused reconsidering all his life choices.

“What does it even _mean_?”, Anathema added.

“The… white chocolate cream… can be poured un— under the ice cream or on top of it.”

“Ohhhhhh, I see. Kinky.”

Crowley points to the sign that has the name of store with “Kinky is our specialty” underneath, then clears his throat uncomfortably. “There is actually… There is actually the new option, Switches, for… cream… on top and on the bottom.”

His eyes widened.

“Of the cup! On the bottom of the cup.”

_Fuck’s sake, just take some poison_. He wants the poison and a quick death because he’s not sure he’ll survive this day at all.

“I’ll have the Switches, then.”

“Anything else?”

“Wait, yes! Please add a dash of G-Spot and sprinkle Something Thick too. I _love_ Something Thick. They just melt on your tongue, it’s wonderful!”

Crowley bites his cheeks to keep him from making undignified sounds and nods. “Sure. Caramel or Vanilla?”

“Oh, never Vanilla, dear boy.”

Crowley keeps nodding. “Anything else?”

“No, that’s tickety-boo.”

“Tickety—Tickety-boo?”

Anathema waves her hand, “He’s ancient, don’t mind him.”

Aziraphale huffs.

“Rut, Nudes or Size Queen?”

“Ummm… The bigger one.”

This Crowley isn’t even sure of the meaning so he doesn’t blush, but he knows deep in his heart that he will never type it into his Google search bar, ever. “Size Queen, then. That’ll be 17,93.”

“Dear girl, are you sure you’ll have the Blowjob or would you like some other suggestions? The Double Peen is life-changing!”

“Can you hear yourself?”

“Of course I can.”

“No, like… are you really listening to what you’re sayin?”

“Yes! Double Peen! It’s… It’s so good I don’t even have words for it, and that doesn’t happen very often, as you know.”

Anathema sighed. “Fine, what’s in the Double P?”

“Belgian and Swiss chocolate.”

“Oh, that does sound good.”

“Pure elation!”

“It’s orgasmic!”, a woman shouts from the back and then cackles. It’s the owner, a small blond woman called Tracy, that looks every bit like someone you would meet at church on Sundays.

“Oh, hello!”

“Hello, dear. You fuckers should try the Rabbit Hole. Just arrived!”

Crowley bit his lips hard.

“Didn’t tell them about it, Crawly?”

“I… forgot.”

“That’s alright, just keep it in mind for the next twats.”

Crowley nodded, still uncomfortable. Out of all the people he could work for, Satan put him under Tracy. Outstanding work of Hell, for sure.

“Oh!! Offer them today’s special, Crawly!”, she nudged him then walked away to answer a phone call.

Crowley took a deep breath and spoke quietly. “Would you like… Would you like… an Orgasm?”

“Oh yes, please!!”

Anathema frowned. “What’s an Orgasm?”

They both looked at her, but it was Aziraphale who spoke. “You are clearly straight, aren’t you?”

“What? I—No, but what does that have to do with anything? It’s just… It’s just ice cream!!!”

“It’s not just ice cream!”, Tracy yelled from the back room, “it’s THE ice cream!”

Crowley looked apologetic. “An Orgasm is a cookie tube filled… filled with… oh God. With… S-- Sour… ohh, fuck my life.”

“Oh, is that a new flavor too?”

“No, sorry. Again. An Orgasm is a crunchy cookie tube filled with Sour Milk, which is a pineapple-flavored syrup, and Whipped Cream and a smidgen of… Cream Cheese.”

“That sounds kind of terrible. Ew. Cream Cheese? Doesn’t sound like it belongs in your tube.” Anathema snorted loudly. She was starting to understand the fun of this decadent place.

“You can swipe it for the mint-and-pepper option or vanilla.”

“What’s the mint-and-pepper option called?”, she smirked.

Crowley gulped. Satan help him.

“BDSM.”

Anathema howled.

“I’ll have two Orgasms, fill it with BDSM and Sour Milk.”

“No Cream Cheese?”

“Goodness, _no_.”

**Author's Note:**

> LMAO Rabbit Hole, in case you're wondering, is a strawberry and condensed milk flavor. Sells like sex. Rabbit vibrators going into holes, consensually, is what inspired Tracy. Don't google it, though. Just... don't.


End file.
